A Few Real Thoughts, & many more to come.

 While I have used this blog for my personal documentation, I have decided to write more of my personal thoughts down. I have a lot of thoughts running around in my head all the time, & I always forget to write them in my journal. & for some reason I keep thinking about my future kids, & their kids, & how I want them to know the real me (those 50 lessons at church on family history & connecting must be getting to me).  Not the picture perfect, happy, strong me. I want them to see all of it.  The happy, sad, thoughtful, weak, & wandering me. All of the parts of me that make a whole.  & hopefully I can also learn more about myself in the process.

 I also love the idea of having a positive online dialogue with friends.  I just love the idea of community & togetherness.

& while the community part may not happen, I am kinda the only person who talks on my blog. People look sometimes, but they don’t ever really let me know they are there. but that’s okay. It is for me, & it makes me happy. That’s all that matters.  & perhaps a huge following on my blog would ruin this blog for me.  It would turn into work, pleasing others, & then I probably wouldn’t really be me. & I would hate that.  I would hate to have to leave a place that no longer seemed genuine or authentic to who I am as a person. But to my real friends, feel free to join in the dialogue!

  It is scary though, to post my own thoughts & feelings on such a public place, really scary.  But….I am going to give it a go, because I am feeling a continued urge to do it. It is a part of me, & something I want to do.  I have never considered myself a very good writer, but I am not going to let that stop me anymore.  Good writer or not, I am of value & have something important to say here. I am going to validate myself by writing in my own very spot on the internet.  I have ideas, dreams, & opinions just like anyone else in this world!   & by world, I mean those on and off the internet, because even people who don’t shout out a presence online still have important ideas & opinions. Sometimes I think we forget that, or that the quiet people who are not shouting for attention don’t have anything to say.

& here is to my first thought.

Last night I was thinking about how I am not who I want to be. I have been reflecting, & I realized I am so far from it.  Very far from it.  & maybe it is good that I can see how far I need to go.  I am so grateful for that.  But, I made a list in my head of ways I need to change that I have found myself being.  So glad it popped into my head though! It helps me realize the small & sometimes seemingly insignificant moments of my life.

I don’t want to be the complainer on a vacation.
I don’t want to be the person that always looks on the negative side of things.
I also don’t want to be the person that always looks on the positive side of things.
I don’t want to be the person that judges someone on their physical appearance (pretty or ugly, or rich, happy family)
I don’t want to be the person that talks bad about someone when they are not in the room.
I don’t want to know & converse in the neighborhood gossip.
I don’t want to seem like I am supporting something by staying silent.
I don’t want to be the person who holds onto a grudge that I can let go.
I don’t want to find myself not caring about the people around me.
I don’t want to live a life becoming a narcissist.
I don’t want to forget what makes me happy.
I don’t want to lose sight of my dreams from laziness.
I don’t want to waste any of my days by doing nothing.

Enough of those,

I want to be remembered as a loving & accepting person.
I want to become a fast forgiver.
I want to be able to look outside of myself.
I want to love my body, always.
I want to be happy with my life.
I want to follow through on my own personal goals.
I want to believe in myself more.
I want to reward myself when I have gotten better at something.
I want to be someone that can see everyone the way Christ can see them.
I just want to be the best me.